Friday, October 8, 2010, 5:55 PM
Emotional post don't read if you'd get annoyed thanks.


Picture

Behind every smiling faces;
there would surely be a problem that exists.

-

I hate it when things happen just because you can't control how you feel, your emotions, your thoughts, and your doings. 'Cause to me it sucks so damn bad because I know that I don't mean doing it, and that I feel terribly bad doing it. But I can't control myself, I can't take things like that.

I hate it even more when I decide to do something which I keep telling myself not to. The more I stop myself in mind, the more I want to do it. It doesn't work the opposite way. I've tried. It's so weird. I'm suppose to be focusing on my SPM now which is merely 46 days away. I mean, this study mood, it comes on and off. When I really have the mood, I can sit down and study for a few hours straight. Or else, I would have ZERO study mood. Nada.

Sometimes when I can't control my feelings, it makes me feel weak and poor. It's like, knowing that it's a wrong step and it's gonna take me to a wrong direction, but yet I still pull myself deeper and deeper into this silly little mistake. And I hate it because I know how it feels going too deep into something where I can't turn back. Wait, I can. But I've experienced that terrible pain before and I don't want to try it again. But why am I doing this? :/

I'm not sure if this is a sort of distraction I'm having that causes me to not study but I'm pretty sure that it's not. It's just that I'm too bored, that's why things start kicking into my way.

This is insanity okay. I want to study. I really want to. But my 2nd Trials just ended and I feel so LAZY. It's not that I'm lazy I keep telling myself to study but when I face the books I really have NO MOOD AT ALL. D:

Y'know what's worse? Having these thoughts in your mind that disturbs you oh-so-much but you just can't seem to express them out to anyone, or even express those feelings and thoughts into words.

'Tis wrong. I know it is. But I've fell and I can't go back. I'm a sucker for self controlling, serious shit.

But looking at him each time and faking that I have no feelings for him at all? Looking at him each time knowing that I actually have deep feelings for him and am desperate to let him know how I actually feel, but I can't either way?

It's worse than having to see someone die before my own bare eyes.

It's a mistake. I know it is. But it'll be a mistake than can never be mended.

End.